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Damned if we do, damned if we don’t…

September 29th, 2011 | 9 Comments

By Ghazala Akbar

Somewhere deep in Last Para lies the HQs of the premier spook outfit, I – espy – eye. The Chief, (codename, Passion) is reading his favourite John Le Carre novel, Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy. In walks his super boss, Control.

Passion: What’s up Doc? You look worried.

Control: Just saw our pal Mike Mellon on TV giving evidence to the US Senate Armed Forces He’s talking about us again.

Passion: But I only saw him in DC last week and you saw him in Spain. No complaints.

Control: Yup! That’s just it. He was obviously lulling us into a false sense of security over the margaritas and the paella.

Passion: What’s he saying now?

Control: Same thing. We’re running with the hares, but hunting with the hounds.

Passion: So what’s new! They always say that when things are not going their way in AfPak. It’s called the scapegoat game. They are looking for ways to escape. We are the sacrificial goats. Escape goat, get it? (laughs)

Control: Bit more serious this time. He is accusing us of aiding and abetting the Haqs.

Passion: Haqiquis? I thought that was Zulfiqar Mirza’s area.

Control: Nope. This is the Haqqani network.

Passion: You mean the ones that Charlie Wilson once called ‘goodness personified’.

Control: Yup. The very same that Prez Roy Rogers welcomed at the White House. ‘The moral equivalent of America’s Founding Fathers’, he called them.

Passion: (deep sigh) Yesterday’s friends, today’s enemies. One question boss, why are we supporting the Haqqanis?

Control: We are not. We have links. Just as everybody in this game has links. We support our National Interests, just as everyone else.

Passion: And what is our National Interest in Afghanistan, remind me?

Control: Come 2014 and the Yanks leave or say they are leaving, we want our man at the top table in Kabul.

Passion: And why is that, Sir? Remind me again.

Control: We can’t battle on two fronts. We have to protect our backyard. Make sure that at least one part of the neighbourhood is friendly.

Passion: But do we have to fight on two fronts, Boss. Do we need to fight at all? Can’t we just have peace?

Control: It’s not that simple. Peace comes through strength and leverage– military, diplomatic and economic.

Passion: But isn’t our national interest also to curb religious fanaticism and extremism? Isn’t this our war as well?

Control: It is. However, we do it our way; otherwise we stir up a hornet’s nest. You can see the effects of the 2003 operation in South Waziristan on the rest of the country. Everyday we get bombed. Over 35,000 people dead. Can’t risk that again. Our lives are precious too.

Passion: But we went into Swat, didn’t we, to take out the Nizam e Adl guys?

Control: Swat was home ground. Part of settled Pakistan. N. Waziristan is a different kettle of fish. Difficult terrain. Part of it is no-man’s land. Even the Brits left it alone. Besides, we don’t have the money or the resources to mount such an operation.

Passion: The Americans are saying we’ve taken their money but are not doing the work.

Control: Correction. They’ve been reimbursing us for services rendered. But even that’s been withheld for some time now. Besides, it’s peanuts when you think of the trillions that have been spent on this war and the billions we have lost in terms of trade and development.

Passion: They are saying we are duplicitous and playing a double game?

Control: They are doing the same, my friend. Using us to do their dirty work but making space for our arch- enemy to gain a foothold in the neighbourhood.

Passion: Haven’t you expressed these concerns to them?

Control: I have. They don’t seem to take notice. It seems we’ve been in a dialogue of the deaf for years.

Passion: This crisis couldn’t have come at a worse moment for us. Floods, dengue, PIA, Railways in crisis, bus tragedy in Faisalabad, Mumtaz Qadri’s trial, decline of the Rupee, not to mention Shoaib Akhter’s book…well at least the politicians seem to be behind us on this one.

Control: And the media too. They were up in arms after the UBL fiasco, remember…till they got sorted out.

Passion: By the way, what happened to the Commission on UBLs death?

Control: De-commissioned, I guess. A crisis a day keeps the commissioners at bay!

Passion: And now the Yanks are really turning up the heat on our ties to the Haqqanis. Hey boss, I just got a brilliant idea. (LOL)

Control: What’s that?

Passion: They want us to cut off our ties to the Haqqanis, right? We go a step further. We deliver them one. We serve up our Ambassador to the US. Haqqani, Haqqani ho ta hai, Amreeka mein ho, ya North Waziristan mey! Besides his first name is Hussain.

Control: Ha ha! Dick Cheney always said Saddam was linked to 9/11. He wasn’t of course.

Passion: Neither were the Haqqanis. So why have they suddenly become enemy number 1 in Afghanistan? Why do we have to go after them? I am stumped.

Control: Search me, boy. All I know is, damned if we do, damned if we don’t!

Written by admin

Filed under: Humor · Tags: game, John Le Carre, Last Para, North Waziristan

9 Responses to "Damned if we do, damned if we don’t…"

yasmeen says:

September 29, 2011 at 9:10 pm

Brilliant!
Rukhsana Ahmad says:

September 29, 2011 at 10:28 pm

Fab! Entertaining and clever!
Damned if we do, damned if we don’t… | Tea Break says:

September 30, 2011 at 1:19 am

[...] Damned if we do, damned if we don’t… [...]
SYYED MOHUMMED JAWAID IQBAL GEOFFREY OF SLARPORE, BRIGHTON and PACIFIC PALISADES says:

September 30, 2011 at 5:11 am

Pakistan is not being duplicious; the U $ Ess(!)tablishment is blaming Pakistan for its own blunders, errors and defeat on the anvil.

I feel sick and tired reading about the trillions the U$$$A ostensibly has spent. It is not true.

They have used Afghanistan , Iraq (recall Vietnam, heinji?) just as props for testing and selling their outdated armaments. No special recruitments were affected in the Armed Forces of USA. And war or no war, the employees must be ppaidf ibn or out of Peace. If there arew (suppose) 1 Lakh american armeds forces soldiers in Agfhanistan, their salaries and other perks are relegated to AFGHANISTAN.
This is dollarized dare-devilry, sil vous plais! This is coming not from the departed father of Aatish Taseer but from Syyed Iqbal Jafree who was CFO/CA of a major British conmpany while the Extended Mercedes Benz kkkrowd was washing dishes in Soho.

America needs us (to hell with our geedar-leaders and bureaucRATS with over $200 BILLIONS siphoned off since we fell on our national face in Dacca Ji, 1971) and tucked away in foreign, offshore, taxfraud havens. America at its epitomy must prepare for its inevitabkle (for that is how the cookie crumbles) climb-down/downfall/slide down. Pakistan, one day will rise phoenixlike out of the ashes …. No bloody revolution is the legitrimate cry of the day. And do not think of the pink Elephant.

I salute the great American decent people while I abhor its Mullens *(their neoMULLAHS) and their bitter jihad against reason, compassion and good grace.

As to the MT-bitch and Eimanabad jhangvis, I feel sorry for such export-qualitea crap chaps who have wrough untold sufferibng on pakistan to straighten out their own vested owls (Owloo seedha karney key khattir).
thomas says:

September 30, 2011 at 8:45 am

RE: SYYED MOHUMMED JAWAID IQBAL GEOFFREY OF SLARPORE, BRIGHTON and PACIFIC PALISADES Pakistan…

Nice 2C that some Pakistanis are up to speed on the (love-it) neoMULLAHS… and also[hopefully] the neoCONS and their dual citizen hate Islam plannz…. there IS a reason to this madness as the inexplicable takes it’s tern… You see, here, in government, the wronger you are the more money and glory you get….. to clean the mess.. No mess, no $$$$$$$$$$$, No $$$$$$$$$$$, no glory…… End of story… Thanks for giving us hope the illusion will fade….SYYED MOHUMMED JAWAID IQBAL GEOFFREY OF SLARPORE, BRIGHTON and PACIFIC PALISADES…. You are the man of the day….!!!!! Maybe this epoch…
Rex Minor says:

October 3, 2011 at 6:30 pm

It is always healthy to maintain the sense of humour! There is no need to cry, become emotional or shed tears. People of Pakistan need the cold blooded attitude of Pashtuns which is compatible and matches that of the western countries.
Adm mullen has said what his CIA informers have gathered and informed him. Gen.Kyani and Gen. Pasha brings forward their story what their informers inclding ISI personnel have informed them. The main difference being that although neocons and the clintonians are very active in the USA and are able to inv3nt lies, at the end there is some sort of transparency in the system. Hence Adm Mullen is compelled to makes a statement under oath to Congress. Whereas, in Pakistan democracy, there is no transparency nor apparent civil control over the military.

In both situations, however, and in as much as one considers the Generals and their Indians are loyal, their competence level is neither flawless nor trustworthy in modern days. Most of the results they produce is non productive and must always be challenged!!!

Rex Minor

PS The USA has the guiness record now having created the largest number of labels for a worldwide operation for propaganda purpose and accused so many groups for strategic objectives.

Rex Minor
lady Guinevere says:

October 5, 2011 at 6:25 am

The Haqqanis are sort of like bin Laden; their shelf life is long past due! Time to clean out the cabinet!

Lady Guinevere
Ghazala Akbar says:

October 6, 2011 at 6:58 pm

@ Lady Guinevere: They are all past their sell – by dates…Admiral Mullen, the policies of the- you- know- who- that- we- cannot- mention, the Haqqani network and, not forgetting, the Mayor of Kabul. 10 years on and its back to square one!
Onitsuka TigerBy Asics says:

November 15, 2011 at 7:00 am

Wow,great content and your blog template is so beautiful. Is this template free or not. If so, would you please share this template? if not, how much does it cost? Thanks a lot!