By The Satirist
Two American backpackers were arrested yesterday in Lahore on suspicion of being Indian spies. Neither the police nor the intelligence agencies have yet to confirm or deny the reports.
According to a source who does not wish to be named, alarm bells were raised when one of the two men in question was heard to say “Holy cow that’s cheap” whilst dining out at a Chappal Kebab restaurant.
“It was an incomprehensible error of judgment” he said, “how can you go to a kebab eatery and start extolling the sanctity of bovines. We knew from that moment that these boys were spies.”
In other telling evidence both suspects were captured wearing crocodile skin shoes and in possession of wallets made from elephant hide. None of their belongings were leather products. “They only thing we can rule out right now is that they certainly aren’t Buddhists”, added our source.
The incident threatens to spark an international crisis. At a hastily convened press conference yesterday the American Ambassador to Pakistan said, “Holy Guacamole! Unless the Pakistanis concede their mistake and free our citizens, this matter could get real serious, real fast”, before being deliriously mobbed by a group of vegan Mexican food lovers for venerating their favorite vegetable.
The US state department has threatened Islamabad with retaliatory attacks unless immediate steps are taken to ensure their release. “We will bomb them back to a time when four-legged animals didn’t even exist if they carry on like this” said a spokesperson holding a nuclear detonator in one hand and a time-machine in the other.
In more worrying developments tensions have once again escalated with neighbors India since the arrests. “In taking the steps that they have, the Pakistani’s have crossed a line. We will only back down once Pakistan’s government confers full civil rights on all the cows of their country.”
“Our Humans don’t even have rights and they talk to us of cows. How dare they!” shot back the Pakistani minister for state repression. If the Indians keep up their demands, the government has promised to hold what has been dubbed a nationwide ‘Barbecue Against Civil Liberties’. Beef tikka, and charred ribs of blasphemous minorities are expected to be on the menu up and down the country.
It has also emerged that in a fit of panic tourists throughout Pakistan have started stuffing themselves with beef products for fear of arrest. No-one has yet considered the possibility that the suspects are guilty of little more than uttering a coarse Americanism in a foreign country.