Pak Tea House » Opinion » Satire: Two spies arrested in Lahore
Satire: Two spies arrested in Lahore
By The Satirist
Two American backpackers were arrested yesterday in Lahore on suspicion of being Indian spies. Neither the police nor the intelligence agencies have yet to confirm or deny the reports.
According to a source who does not wish to be named, alarm bells were raised when one of the two men in question was heard to say “Holy cow that’s cheap” whilst dining out at a Chappal Kebab restaurant.
“It was an incomprehensible error of judgment” he said, “how can you go to a kebab eatery and start extolling the sanctity of bovines. We knew from that moment that these boys were spies.”
In other telling evidence both suspects were captured wearing crocodile skin shoes and in possession of wallets made from elephant hide. None of their belongings were leather products. “They only thing we can rule out right now is that they certainly aren’t Buddhists”, added our source.
The incident threatens to spark an international crisis. At a hastily convened press conference yesterday the American Ambassador to Pakistan said, “Holy Guacamole! Unless the Pakistanis concede their mistake and free our citizens, this matter could get real serious, real fast”, before being deliriously mobbed by a group of vegan Mexican food lovers for venerating their favorite vegetable.
The US state department has threatened Islamabad with retaliatory attacks unless immediate steps are taken to ensure their release. “We will bomb them back to a time when four-legged animals didn’t even exist if they carry on like this” said a spokesperson holding a nuclear detonator in one hand and a time-machine in the other.
In more worrying developments tensions have once again escalated with neighbors India since the arrests. “In taking the steps that they have, the Pakistani’s have crossed a line. We will only back down once Pakistan’s government confers full civil rights on all the cows of their country.”
“Our Humans don’t even have rights and they talk to us of cows. How dare they!” shot back the Pakistani minister for state repression. If the Indians keep up their demands, the government has promised to hold what has been dubbed a nationwide ‘Barbecue Against Civil Liberties’. Beef tikka, and charred ribs of blasphemous minorities are expected to be on the menu up and down the country.
It has also emerged that in a fit of panic tourists throughout Pakistan have started stuffing themselves with beef products for fear of arrest. No-one has yet considered the possibility that the suspects are guilty of little more than uttering a coarse Americanism in a foreign country.
Filed under: Opinion · Tags: country, Lahore, Pakistan, Satire
14 Responses to "Satire: Two spies arrested in Lahore"
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“Holy cow, that’s cheap”. Veneration for cow…obviously Hindu. Love of cheap deal…obviously Jew. OMG. HINDU-ZIONISTS!!! Someone alert Zaid Hamid!!!
Great – more of the same please.
I got it!!!
Zaid Hamid is a Hindu Zionist. Both words in both phrases begin with the same letters – Z and H.
How come you guys failed to notice this crucial info?
The piece and Asif’s comment made me nearly die of laughter. Holy Cow !! To think of adding the Jew’s love for an econoic deal was real genious. Only ne grouse. The Govts of all three countries are far more daft then depicted.
Thank God the Pakistani Minister for Repression did not dub all the cows in Pakistan as Indian spies…Hallelujah….!!!
Ahmad bhai, he actually did, but took his statement back (actually, flatly denied he ever made it) once Aitzaz Ahsan explained to him that Punjabi cows had never been the same as those ‘emaciated Indian cows’ that simply chewed cud and did no good.
Very good piece of English humour at the expense of others
Holy Cow. This was great
Extreme caution needs to be exercised in using the following expressions in public places in Pakistan to avoid being suspected as an Indian spy:
1. Guy: can be confused with gai (cow)
2. Chakkar: can be confused with the Ashok Chakr
3. Shimla Mirch
4. Patiala Shalwar
5. Bihari Kabab
6. Hyderabadi Biryani
7. Dilli Darwaza
8. Taj
9. Mahal
10. Kolhapuri chappal
11. Hamsaya
12. Baap: can be confused with Bapu
13. Nehr (canal): can be confused with Nehru
14. Banday (persons): can be confused with Bande Matram
To be safe in Pakistan you have to lick the boots of an arab in public. And you have to say how lucky you are that your converted ancestors started this habit.
@ Syed (May 2, 2012 at 7:15 am)
How about the following expressions?
1. Bombay Biryani
2. Oolti Ganga
3. Aaow bhagat
4. Tumhare bara baj gaey hein
To the author:
Dear Sitarist,
You play the Sitar very well.
@ ahem (April 30, 2012 at 11:24 pm)
//…I got it!!! Zaid Hamid is a Hindu Zionist. Both words in both phrases begin with the same letters – Z and H…//
Okay. Your’e close. But if it’s the “Z-H thing”, then Zaid Hamid would be a “Zionist-Hindu”, not a “Hindu-Zionist”, because “Z” comes before “H”. Interestingly, Ziaul Haq is also “Z-H”.
@ The Satirist
On a not so satirical note, your article reminds of Iqbal’s following poignantly introspective lines:
“Waza mein tum ho Nasara, to tamaddun mein Hanood,
Yeh Musalman hain jinhain dekh ke sharma’en Yahood”
Translation: In your mannerism you are Christians. Culturally you are Hindus. It is the Muslims who have put the Jews to shame.
I’m not really a fan of Iqbal, but Muslims do need to put their own house in order before pointing fingers towards
to syed
Zaid Hamid is clever, very very clever (much cleverer than all of us put together!!!) – that is why he exchanged the places of Z and H so as to mislead us utterly!!! So he is Hindu Zionist and not Zionist Hindu.
But let us not bicker among ourselves over tidbits and forget the real danger – namely the agents and quislings of islam.