Love in the Age of Enlightenment

By Ghazala Akbar:

Peace be, upon you, brothers and sisters of the faith!

Here is the news on this 5^th day, Dhu’ al-Qa’Dah 1433 AH, Friday September 21, AD.We begin, as always with the sensational news:

17 faithful believers tragically embraced martyrdomin our beloved State of Jahilliya when misguided police and security forces directed by a hidden ‘Foreign hand’ lobbed teargas shells and fired on innocent brethren. The unfortunate victims were demonstrating their love of the Last Messenger (PBUH) in a peaceful, dignified and restrained manner.

Earlier in the day, millions had thronged the streets in response to a call by the Government to observe a “Day of Love”, across the length and breadthof the Land.The objective was to show unity, solidarity and send a strong message to insensitive Western Governments and Media of the hurt and suffering caused by the blasphemous film.

The Yaum e Ishq was also intended toexpress outrage at the double standards exhibited by the West in refusing to punish the makers of the filmwith the feeble excuseof upholding free speech.

May God Almighty have mercy on the souls of the dear departed and accord them the highest place in Jannat al Firdaus. Their sacrifices will not go in vain. Three days of protest and forty-days of mourning have been announced.

All businesses and educational institutions are requested to honour the decree and shut shop with immediate effect.Either you are with us or against us.

A special rendition of thesoulstirring Naat ‘dekhee naheen jaati Musalman ki haalat’ by Najoomi Shiraz will be broadcast live on State TV at regular intervals during the official mourning period. Minorities and those of a nervous disposition can kindly avert their gaze.

Now for the good news:

As expected, the events in the State of Jahilliya sent tremors of fear in the Western hemisphere.Economic life acrossWestern Europe and the Unites States came to a complete stand still.Major social events were abruptly cancelled.Trains ceased running, flights were grounded and the usual busy streets wore a deserted look as anxious citizens rushed home to be with their loved ones and avoid troubled areas.

The hardest hit were people rushing to hospitals for treatment and labourers on daily wages. Many widows and orphans were also affected.Flood victims in several camps went without provisions as aid workers were unable to continue the supply chain. The disruption in the cities also meant that villagers could not sell their produce in cities.

As footage of violent mobs on the ‘Day of Love’ was televised live, a palpablesense of gloom and doom descended on major Western capitals and financial centers. In New York, the Dow Jones came close to collapse as portfolio managers furiously off -loaded stock in blue-chip companies, Kentucky Fried Chicken, McDonald’s, Pizza Hut and the soft drink giants Coke and Pepsi Cola.Manufacturers of car windscreens, motorcycles, tires, fire-fighting equipment, tear gas, bullets and coffin shrouds mysteriously escaped the financial carnage.

Shares in usurious, interest-giving Banks controlled by Zionist entities plummeted sharply as news of the torching of banks in Jahilliya’s infamous Port City spread like wild-fire onWall Street. ‘We are in crisis. This is worse than the collapse of Lehmann Brothers and Bank of America said BunBernanke, Chairman of the Federal Reserve Bank.‘This is going to impact western economies in ways you cannot imagine. As theold adage goes, when Jahilliya sneezes, the rest of the world is bound to catch a cold.’ The FTSE in London, DAX in Frankfurt and CAC 40 in Paris shared similar fates.

Speaking on national television, the French finance minister confirmed that billions had been wiped off pension funds and would lead to social instability in France. ‘Ooh la la,so much damage to our economy and they haven’t evenseen the cartoons in that hateful little magazine,Charlie Libdo…yet!’He confirmed that the French Government were actively exploring ways to close the magazine, arrest the Editor and implicate the Publisher in tax – evasion cases.

This will be inconformity with a recent land mark decision by a French court to stop publicationoftopless photos of the Duchess of Oxbridge. These photos offended thesensibilities of the majority in the UK excepta tiny minority subscribing to the Sun newspaper. They complained that the objections were  a bit over the top and smacked of double standards.‘Just grinand  bare it’advised a cheekytabloid headlineas the Royal couple was received by half naked tribesmenand tribeswomenin the Solomon Islands.

The burning of three cinema halls in Jahilliyah has also had a direct impact in California where the blasphemous film was produced by a man called Im Becile.  Severalstudious ownedby the conniving Zionist lobby were forced to close for the day in the face of angryprotests. ‘It is quite possible that many big production houses will shut down altogetheror take their business to Mexico ‘How can we even contemplate surviving without the income from Jahilliya? lamentedGoldieMeyer of Metro Golden Metro. ‘Jahilliya’s movie housesand sophisticated clientele are our most lucrative markets.’

In Washington,President Osama apologized unreservedlyto the people of Jahilliya and instructed the CIA to call of Drone strikes scheduled for this week.

In SaltLake City, the Republican presidential candidate, Twitt Romney observed two minutes of silence thereby refrainingfrom committing any verbal gaffes, much to the relief of his strategists and spin doctors.

In Alaskathe ‘Darling’ of the Tea Party Movement, Sarah Moose Impaler took time out from a hunting expedition to issue a strongly wordedstatement against the makersof the offensive film. This was aired live on the FOXED News channel. And in a rare display of cross -party cooperation, members of both Houses in the US Congress announcedthey will be tabling a Bill to cancel the First Amendment at the next legislative session.

In Brussels, the European parliament are issuing a directive to all EC members to reviewthe laws pertaining to Blasphemy and put it on par with Holocaust denial. Britain has announced that it will strip Sir Salmon Rushdie of his title. Channel Four Television will hold a public CD-burning session of its controversial documentary basedon the Pop – historian Tom Jones’s book, ‘In the Shadow of the Lost Ark’.

In Denmark a warrant has been issued for the arrest of the artist who drew the offensive cartoons seven years ago. He is currently taking refuge in the Embassy of Ecuador justice.

Switzerland has announcedit will reverse the results of the 2009 Referendum in which 57% voted againstthe construction of minarets at local mosques. France and Belgium are also set to repeal the ban onBurqas and Niqabs in public places. The brave boycott of Hermes Scarves by our Middle-Eastern sisters has contributed to this U-Turn.‘If they have to cover up, it might as well be in Hermes’conceded a French spokesman with a characteristic Gallic shrug.

Across the Islamic world, the Yom e Ishq called by the authorities in Jahilliya is drawing widespread praise and admiration.In a joint telegram the members of the Organisation of Islamic Cooperation lauded Jahilliya’s efforts atprojecting and improving the image of the Religion of Peace.‘You are the true defenders of thefaith and its citadel.’

The 57 member organization that includes heavyweights KSA, Egypt, Indonesia, Iran, Malaysia and Turkey have nominated the President of Jahilliya to assume de jureleadershipof the OIC.  He has also beenauthorised to speak as its collective voice at the UN General Assembly.In Syria, warring factions have called for a temporary cease-fire inhostilities and are seeking the intervention of Jahilliya to end the civil war.

In recognition of Jahilliya’s sacrifices in defendingthe honour of the faithful, the countries of the Gulf Cooperation Council have announced new visit visa requirements for unskilled nationals of Jahilliya. Instead of a BA Certificate, visa applicants will now have to furnish proof of a Master’s Degree.‘That should be no Problem.You have amply demonstrated to us and the world at large thatyou aretruly an enlightened and educated people’ remarked the representative of a brotherly country that hoststhe largest number of expatriate Jahillians.

The good news resumes after a commercial break. It continues to get better and better. Don’t go away. We’ll be right back…