Good for Nothing

By Taj Siddiqui

muslim science

Last week we were invited to our friend’s home, Abdul and his wife Katharine. We have known them for over 30 years. Our children grew up playing together. During the dinner, their daughter Salma asked me, “Uncle I want to marry a boy in my college. His name is Mike. My father tells me that I am not allowed to marry him because he is an infidel”. Instead of answering her, I politely told her that it is too early for her to get married, and besides there are many good Muslim boys in our community. She looked at me as if I have told her a big lie and left the dinner table in a bad mood. That night I came home very depressed, had horrible nightmares, running from infidels who were tightening their circle around me with their traps and long ropes.
Next morning I woke-up late and missed Fajar Salat, not feeling good with upset stomach. I rushed to the bathroom and sat on the toilet seat. I heard a voice saying “No, no, you can’t use me; I am the invention of an infidel.” I looked around and saw nobody. The voice came again, in clear English. “I was designed and developed by infidels. Why are you benefiting from their findings, their inventions”? I said “I have an upset stomach, where do I go for relief?” The toilet replied “This is not my problem. You should have thought about it years and years ago. You deserve to live back in the rural society where one can go out of the village for relief. And while we are on this rosy subject, even the female sanitary napkins and baby diapers came from infidels.” I got more depressed and ran out of the bathroom. Being depressed is my most favorite activity. So, please don’t start getting depressed with me.
The whole day went by like that. It was horrible and miserable. The indoor plumbing in the shower refused to operate. My cell was playing dead. The landline was also down, as the telephone was invented by an infidel. Mr. Computer changed my password and will not let me log-in. The appliances, stove, refrigerator, micro-wave, washer, dryer, etc. refused to obey my commands. The Air-conditioner won’t let me touch the dial. My big screen TV, the surround sound system, the blue ray DVD player, nothing were working. And then my lights went off. There was no electricity in my house. We should have at least tried to convert Mr. Benjamin. My T-shirt and jeans started itching as I was wearing the dress code of infidels. In a panicky state I ran out of my house to go to McDonald’s. When I try to start my car, it began to laugh at me. Sir, the automobile was invented by infidel. You guys should not have disposed your camels and horses.

In this crazy state of mind someone took me to the hospital. The doctor told me that the medicines are refusing to have any effect on my purified body as they were discovered by infidels. The apparatus and machines in hospital were all invented by infidels. I asked him what was my problem. Your problem, Sir, is that you think you are the best, superior to the rest of the humanity. Then I got mad at him. What do you mean, off-course I am the best. I eat Halal food, offer Salat, pay Zakat, observe fasting, recite Quran daily, I did several Hajj and perform Umrah every year. I did everything they advised me to do. What else do you want from me? He said, sir, I have news for you. You may not go to Umrah any more, as the airplane was invented by the infidels. I told the doctor to leave and started watching TV to divert my mind. The News was on. Over 190,000 Syrians were killed during the four year old crises. Muslims being killed by other Muslims. Three millions displaced. Who are you, Yazidi, Alavi, Shia, Sunni? Let us get rid of you. How about the innocent small children in Pishawar. Who killed them, the infidels? No, no, this honor goes to the Muslims. At-least this is one field where we left the infidels behind. The problem with the Muslim world is very clear, written all over the skies, in bold letters. No unity and no leadership. I started crying.
There are about 1.6 billion Muslims, every fifth human being is a Muslim. Although the first ever university in the world was founded in Morocco in 859 by a Muslim woman Fatima, today there are no more than 600 Universities in 57 Muslim countries. Not one is in the top-100. The United States alone has close to 6,000 universities, 8 in the top-10. Literacy rate in the Christian world stands at nearly 90 per cent, where as in Muslim world it is close to 40 percent. We spend 0.2 per cent of GDP on research and development, while the Christian world spends 25 times more. When we were busy building Taj Mahal, they were establishing Harwad. Printing press was banned and printing of books did not begin in the Islamic world until the 19th century, four hundred years after it was established in the Christian world. The major discoveries by Muslims that have impacted the modern civilization can be counted on our fingers. Muslims have received only 12 Nobel Prizes, compared to 170 awarded to Jews, mostly in economics, medicine, Physics, Chemistry, Literature and a few Nobel Peace Prizes. For every Jew there are one hundred Muslims. I am getting more depressed.
That evening I came home, all beat-up, super-depressed, and sad. I know I need someone to lift my spirit. Someone who knows me who I am. I saw my wife cooking in the kitchen. So I rushed to her. Oh beautiful, oh the princess of my dreams, oh the object of my love, oh the mother of my children, tell me how good I am. She looked at me with her fiery eyes and I can clearly see the disappointment and hopelessness. She looked at this pathetic moron and checked me out from head to toe, and then in a firm assertive voice she very calmly said “Good for Nothing”.

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