You don’t know me neither do I. We may be living in separate countries, speaks distinct language, practice different religion, carry conflicting political ideologies but why do I feel we did meet more than once. Why do I feel we have a deep connection, and we understand each other?
Do you remember the day when your loved one was first diagnosed with cancer? The news fell like a bombshell and you cried for your mother, father, wife, husband, son or daughter. You had disbelief in your eyes, the moment froze and you stopped walking, driving or talking. It was a long pause, few second felt like forever. You wanted to ask and recheck if test result is correct. You wanted a second opinion form another doctor. We both remember that moment, where we were, what were we doing and what date it was. It was the moment when our paths crossed and we became friends, as our helplessness became a common bond. The connection which none of us yearn for, we did not ask for it.
I felt for you more when I realized that you live in place with least medical help; it was my guilt trip. Then I learned that state of art knowledge has limitations too. I saw your trip to doctor sometimes took twelve hours or even days whereas my doctor is just a phone call away. My pain is no pain when you don’t even know what’s wrong with your loved one, as you live in a remote village or chalet which hasn’t touched the technology yet; and you are just consoling or holding the hand of patient in pain.
We both sat beside our dear ones when they were taking cycles after cycles of chemo. Their bodies were taking waves of radiations, when medics were rolling their bed to surgery room. When doctors told you that first phase of treatment is complete, we had excitement in our voice and we asked ‘so it’s over doctor?’ When doctor responded with flat face to come back after three months to do the scan again to check if tiny killer cells are still benign or reactivated again with path of destruction inside body. We shrugged it and thought it won’t be coming back. We rejoiced remission period, went back to normal life. Our beloved did not want us to think about their disease so they assured us that they are fine and we believed them.
My pain might have been fraction of your pain if your loved one fighting the disease is a little angel. A child or an infant who is three, six or ten years old, who deserve to see fifty, sixty or seventy more springs. I do not have courage to even look into your eyes as ocean of grief in the eyes of mother for her suffering child is a mountain compared to pain I felt for my spouse.
Finally, clock needles inched closer to its final destination. We did everything, doctors did everything; we knew its coming but we refused to say it, think about it or admit. Our beloved is now resigned to their fate, ready to go long before we wanted them to leave. The smile, the talking, the jokes, the stories are all part of their grand plan to seek our permission. They are tired, their bodies are tired and they wanted to go; they do not want to take morphine anymore. They want to see the other side of consciousness, to be free of pain to be free of worldly worries. They aren’t interested to be human bodies anymore; they now want to become a soul. We see them struggling in pain, in agony; yet we wanted miracles to happen. I don’t know about your connection with God, you may want to believe some happening against very nature. I want you to hold on to it, may be your loved one will become a miracle case just like Anita Moorjani https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anita_Moorjani . May be Almighty will bring them back. Whatever you do or think at that moment, just don’t be selfish. They may be waiting for an unspoken voice of permission or pray from you. You have to let them go, let them go……
A Grieving Caregiver
If you lost a dear one to Cancer and your heart felt to millions of people suffering from this disease. Please donate to reputable organization of your choice that takes care of cancer patients who can’t afford to pay OR donate to cancer research facilities who are striving to find cure. Yes, they cured some forms of cancer but so far there are three hundred identified forms of cancer and vast majority of them are incurable.